Ah, the age-old question youth pastors have wrestled with for generations—should teens date? If you've worked with teenagers for any amount of time, you've undoubtedly seen it all. The dramatic breakups, the awkward hand-holding during worship nights, and the endless group chat drama. While teen dating can feel like an unnecessary distraction (especially when you're trying to get everyone to focus on the deeper love of Christ), it’s also an unavoidable reality.
Rather than ignoring it or shutting it down entirely, let's explore how youth pastors like you can guide students to think biblically about relationships without alienating them.
What Is Dating, Really?
Before jumping into the "should they or shouldn't they?" debate, it’s helpful to understand the modern context of dating. For Gen Z and Gen Alpha, dating is less defined by formal dinner meet-ups and more about Snap streaks, DMs, and the occasional TikTok duet. Relationships can oscillate between casual “talking” stages and deeply emotional connections that rival marriage vows—all before the final bell rings at school.
While many of us might want to roll our eyes at the intensity (because, seriously, what happened to just exchanging AIM screennames?), this is their reality. And within this reality, they are trying to figure out who they like and who they are.
This is where we come in.
Two Sides of the Dating Dilemma
Dating isn’t inherently bad, but it does come with risks—especially for teenagers whose emotional and spiritual maturity isn’t fully developed yet. To help guide students and parents in your ministry, here are some pros and cons to consider.
The Pros
- Growth Through Experience
Dating can help students understand themselves better—what they value, who they’re attracted to, and even what they don’t want in a relationship. It can also help them practice key relationship skills like communication, respect, and forgiveness.
- Accountability and Guidance
When handled in the context of church life, dating provides opportunities for students to bring their relationships into the light—with input and loving accountability from trusted adults and peers.
- Identity Formation
Believe it or not, early relationships can help teens root deeper into their identity as Christ-followers. How? By learning to love others selflessly while also holding firm to biblical boundaries.
The Cons
- Drama (With a Capital D)
Teen breakups can divide not only their friend groups but also your small group. It's often messy and awkward and creates emotional turbulence that can derail their focus on Christ.
- Premature Emotional Intimacy
Teenagers aren’t fully equipped to handle the emotional weight of deeply intimate relationships. Rushing into something serious without the maturity to sustain it can leave them hurt and jaded.
- Overprioritization
You’ve been there. Suddenly, that once-leader-in-the-making stops coming to youth group because they’re glued to their partner 24/7. Dating can quickly replace time invested in their relationship with God.
A Biblical Framework for Teen Relationships
Here’s the tricky part—there’s no biblical passage that says, “Thou shalt not date till thou art 18.” The Bible doesn’t give specifics about teen dating because, well, modern dating culture didn’t exist back then. What Scripture does provide, however, are principles about love, relationships, and godly living.
Key Verses to Teach
- Galatians 5:22-23 (The Fruit of the Spirit): Use this to unpack what it looks like to cultivate a healthy heart before stepping into a relationship. A good partner exhibits love, patience, kindness, and self-control.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (Love Defined): Challenge students to examine whether their relationships reflect God-honoring love or selfish infatuation.
- Proverbs 4:23 (Guard Your Heart): Help them understand that guarding their heart isn’t about being closed off but about being discerning.
Practical Steps for Youth Pastors
How do you guide teens through this maze? Here are a few practical strategies for fostering healthy conversations about teen relationships in your ministry.
1. Create a Safe Space for Questions
You want students to come to you when they’re struggling or have questions about dating. If your approach to the topic feels too judgmental or uncomfortable, they’ll take those questions to TikTok and Reddit instead.
Start by acknowledging that it’s okay to feel attraction and want to date. Empathy builds trust. Then, invite open-ended conversations where students can explore what a healthy relationship looks like.
2. Teach Through Scenarios
When discussing relationships, theory often goes in one ear and out the other. Scenarios, however, stick.
For example, ask your students, “How would you respond if your boyfriend/girlfriend pressured you to skip youth group to hang out?” Or, “What should you do if you realize you’re dating someone who’s not pursuing Christ actively?”
Giving them tangible situations forces them to think critically and biblically about their values and boundaries.
3. Partner With Parents
Dating is one of those topics where youth pastors and parents need to be on the same page. While your role is spiritual guidance, parents are the ones enforcing rules and navigating the day-to-day realities of their teen's relationship.
Host a panel or workshop to help parents feel equipped to discuss dating biblically at home. Provide resources and share tips for keeping those lines of communication open.
4. Shift the Focus to Becoming, Not Searching
If there’s one takeaway to hammer home, it’s this—healthy relationships start with being a healthy individual. Instead of stressing about “finding the one,” encourage students to focus on becoming the one.
Help them evaluate how they can grow in maturity, emotional health, and Christlikeness. Teach them how to be patient, aware of boundaries, and committed to God above anyone else.
Do's and Don'ts to Keep in Mind
- DO encourage accountability in their friendships and romantic relationships.
- DO remind them that Christ should always be their first pursuit.
- DON’T shame or mock their emotions, no matter how “puppy love” it seems.
- DON’T make dating out to be a “sin,” as this can damage trust and lead to rebellion.
A Final Word of Wisdom
At the end of the day, our job isn’t to run a matchmaking service—or a breakup campaign. It’s to guide students to root their lives in Christ. Whether or not they date, the ultimate goal is to create a foundation on which their identity is unshakably built on Jesus.
And, hey, if you need a breather after untangling the latest breakup drama, you aren’t alone. Youth ministry isn’t always glamorous, but it’s always worth it!
Looking for more resources to handle those wild-but-beautiful moments of youth ministry? Check out our Love & Logic series!